A Test of Strength
by FenZev
Summary: Aveline begins to question herself and her past decisions when a desire demon offers her the chance to be reunited with her husband Wesley. These are her thoughts after the quest Night Terrors in Act 2.


It wasn't much of an office, but it was hers. The stacks of paperwork left behind by the previous captain, the dirt and grime that covered the walls from years of being left uncared for, even the dry brittle lifeless plant in the window. It had been hers for years, this new life, one she thought she wanted more than anything.

Until a trip to the Fade changed all that, and caused her to question this future she was building for herself. Normally her memories were held close to her heart and never allowed to surface. But when a demon forced her to see her husband Wesley after so many years, Aveline began to question her decisions.

How proud would he have been? Wesley never would have doubted her ability to take over the guard in such a short time. After all, she was that very same woman that had convinced a templar to marry her; rare enough on its own, unthinkable in Ferelden, and yet just another one of her impossible accomplishments. Had he survived the escape from Lothering, would their lives be that much more different?

Wesley would be Knight-Captain within the templar ranks, and she would have her current title: Captain of the Guard. After a long days work they'd both find themselves at home, discussing orders and politics, rules and law. It's what brought them together in the first place, their time in the Fereldan army. Duty and honor ran through their veins more so than blood; of course that would continue in their future together in Kirkwall.

But as she sat back now in the old chair that creaked with her movements, Aveline remembered Wesley would not be waiting at home for her. There would be no dinner to talk over, no children to read to, no warmth in her bed. For this reason there was no place she called home in Kirkwall; she was content to remain in the barracks with her guards, surrounded by people yet alone.

The image flashed in her mind of the last time she had looked upon her husband: the blight distorting his young handsome face, the pleading of his eyes for her to end his life. Ask anyone one word to describe Aveline, and their first word would be _strength,_ but she had none that day. It was Hawke who freed him from the pain, a woman barely known to either of them, as Aveline watched the life fade from her lover's eyes. How she longed to die with him, rest her head on his chest and allow the darkspawn to take her as well. But his final words to her echoed in her mind at the very moment she was going to give up. "Be strong, my love."

Where was that strength now she wondered, sitting alone as night settled across Kirkwall. How tempting that demon was; one brief conversation with her lost husband and Aveline attacked her friend without thought. Anything to be with him again; to touch him, to hold him, to feel his arms around her. Kill Hawke, and correct the past, the day that she had failed not only her husband but herself. Aveline didn't blink in the second it took her to decide Hawke's fate; if it meant having Wesley come home, she would do it.

"I've failed you again," she whispered to Wesley, though he was no longer alive to hear it. That demon had cut her open, perverted a memory she was a peace with, and left her to deal with what she had buried deep ever since entering Kirkwall. There was no denying it now, the pain and grief she felt for losing her husband to the blight. If they had only left sooner, if he hadn't come to search for her, if she had convinced him to go the opposite way...

You can not change your past, she knew this better than anyone. Yet she allowed herself this one night of regret, of doubt, of love and hate. How many times and different ways had she saved Wesley in her mind? Daring to think of how he could've been saved, might have lived, if only one or two decisions were made differently? A Warden could have saved him; who was the witch of the wilds to tell her they were beyond her reach? If it meant saving her husband, Aveline would've gone to the void and back. Why didn't she think of this then? What if Wesley survived the trip to Kirkwall, perhaps Anders was there by then and he could've done something? One small change in history could have prevented the death of the one person in this world she loved.

These thoughts would do her no good, the rational part of her knew this. But the demon's touch still lingered inside her mind and heart. Was she really capable of killing a friend to be with her love again? Aveline was a proud woman, never admitting to any vulnerability, but that desire demon knew the one thing she would trade the world for. Even now she doubted herself and her ability to say no should the offer come again. These feelings only reminded her how important Wesley's job as a templar really was. How easy it was for her to give into temptation; do mages really deal with this sort of thing often? How do they resist? How does anyone?

A soft knock at her door brought Aveline out of her thoughts and she stood, laying Wesley's shield on top of her desk. She lit a few candles to lighten the room before opening the door to her office. Hawke was standing there, giving her that excited look of pending adventure. "Are you ready?" Hawke asked, nearly jumping out of her own skin from anticipation.

In truth Aveline had forgotten the promise of looking into the Arishoks claim of his stolen poisonous gas. She returned to her desk and secured Wesley's shield behind her back. "Ready as I'll ever be I suppose," Aveline responded.

Hawke gave her friend a curious glance. "Isn't that Wesley's templar shield? I haven't seen you use that in ages. Special occasion?"

Aveline shrugged as she closed the door to her office when they exited. "Just feel like having him with me is all," she told Hawke. "Problem?"

Hawke smiled and winked at Aveline as she held her staff out in front of her. "My fathers staff," she informed the guard captain. "I understand more than you think."

Aveline allowed her vulnerability to show through to her friend just this once. "Thank you Hawke," she said sincerely. "I know we haven't talked about what happened in the Fade..."

Hawke immediately cut her off. "What happened in the Fade stays in the Fade," she told Aveline. "Had it been my father or Bethany, I would've done the same."

The admission was more than Aveline expected, but she knew her friend was showing her that she was not alone in her weakness. She may have lost her husband that day, but she gained a friend who understood her just as much as he had. For now, Aveline decided to take comfort in that, and she'd visit her memories another day.


End file.
